The dangers of BYU!!!

So I just wanted to show everyone how dangerous it is up here at BYU. Times are crazy. So I was reading the BYU newspaper (the Daily Universe) and the police beat caught my eye. Here are a few real things that have been happening here at BYU this past week.

"A hot air balloon was reported floating over campus. The officers responded and confirmed that there was a hot air balloon, but as BYU does not own the airspace no action was taken."

"A caller reported there was an injured duck in the intersection of East Campus Drive and 1060 North. An officer arrived and took custody of the duck, gently removing it from the road. The officer called Provo Animal Control and they came and picked up the animal."

"A 3 year old between the HFAC and the HBLL was giving high-fives to everyone he met. The child did not seem to be accompanied by his parents. When officers arrived, the child could not be found."

"A resident of Budge Hall was walking through the hall at 1:30 AM yelling. When police arrived, the suspect said he was giving Martin Luther King's "I have a Dream" speech. He was told to stop."

"Two Males were hiding in the bushes near the Grant bulding and jumping out and scaring girls as they walked past. Offecers searched the area but no one was found."

"A male has been calling students claiming he is conducting a psychology experiment involving hypnosis. The caller says that he is able to hypnotize people over the phone and then attempts to hypnotize the victims. This is a recurring problem."

So this is what I learned today from the newspaper:
1. If I am in a hot air balloon, the police can't do anything because nobody owns the airspace.
2. Injured ducks can make it into the police beat.
3. Don't give a high five to crazy three year olds walking around campus. They just dissappear into thin air.
4. If someone jumps out of the bushes and tries to scare you, call the police immediately because the police have nothing better to do unless a duck has been injured.
5. Don't let someone try to hypnotize you over the phone... hang up.

I hope this was as insightful to you all as it was to me.